3 suns

The chica on my mind right now is a girl I go to school with at ecpi by the name of Jeanine. She's rather cute, as I've thought since I first saw her, but it hasn't been until this past term that we really started talking to each other. My emotions toward her seem to generate a light warmth. Not insanely strong, probly a good thing at this point, just a gentle warmth, kinda like a smile or a hug. Again, this is one of those girls that I'd take anyway I could get her. Something more intimate would be nice, but if I can't have that, I'd like very much to be a good friend to her, which of course makes the situation a very delicate one. I mean it would be very hard to tell this girl how I feel anyway, but to do so in a manner so as to not make things awkward between us if they were not to go as desired? But so has it been with all the women I've admired most. And because of that, little of them those relationships amounted to much of anything. And she is very much a creature to be admired. She is very beautiful, she has a gorgeous smile, and her eyes, very gentle and inviting, while at the same time very strong and confident. They reflect her well. She seems to radiate it. She knows who she is, she knows what she wants, and she's going to get it, but at the same time, she is very sweet. hehe, and she wants top get her bachelor's in business administration. She'd make a great boss I'd think. She has the confidence, directive, and initiative to get the job done, and done well, yet the compassion to lead and direct with kindness. heh, now that I think about it, these three main chicas I've admired so, tiffany, Sara, and Jeanine, they are all like the sun. All three have very warm personalities, but tiffany has a very bright mind, Sara very bright eyes, and Jeanine a very bright confidence... so yeah, confidence is a little bit of a stretch but I couldn't think of an good word to describe it. Now if only I could have an intimate relationship with one of them, and a close friendship with the other two, I'd be the happiest man alive.

These women are my suns, reminders of the beauty of the human form and spirit, reminders of the possibilities. Reminders that beauty does exist and that happiness is possible.

It also seems that in these girls I have sought to be with them into order to fix some part of myself. They all have qualities I admire and wish I had myself. All very outgoing, much unlike myself. Tiffany with her intelligence and diligence. Sara with her bright personality and positive attitude. Jeanine with her confidence and self-identity.

It would seem that I'm looking to compliment myself, which brings me to another dilemma. Say I was successful in building an intimate relationship with Jeanine. What is it that I would bring the table? What good would I bring into her life? What reason would she have to keep me around? What would make me any better than some other guy? That, I'm still searching for. And I guess that's something I really need to discover before if I'm ever going to get the confidence to ask her out, or anyone for that matter. I suppose a great deal of my shy problem has to do with a lack of self-worth. I don't feel I really can make an effort to talk to people and get to know them because I don't feel I an worth talking to. And because I don't talk I've grown to the point where I've nothing to say. All problems I need to deal with if I'm ever to find happiness...

memorial service

My grandmother died last week, her memorial service was Saturday night. I kinda wanted to write something about my emotions the night before, but unfortunately I had no access to a computer, so I ended up writing it on paper, about 4 pages of paper... damn non-digital crap. But yeah, I may get around to typing all that up tomorrow or something, I don't really feel like doing it now. But the service, if you can call it that, wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It turned out to be more of a meeting of family at the funeral home, with a video showing a slideshow of pictures of her, and scrap books on a table in the back of the room. It was kinda nice, not a lot of meaningless ceremony, kinda direct and to the point. Still I wonder if someone should have said a few words or something, to bring a bit of focus to why we were all there. Something to make everyone stop chatting for a moment and pay homage to the woman, a concerted unified effort to recognize her and the fact that she is no longer with us. But I can't really complain. She wasn't my mother, and I really didn't know her as well as I should have. Strange though, these funerals and such. It seems kind of backward to me about how they are all about showing respect and remorse, and yet the entire time people are straining to hold their composure, to not cry, to show the extreme emotions that the death of a loved one can bring upon someone. It would seem to me that a funeral would an appropriate time to release those emotions, yet people struggle, or work to help those who struggle to retain their composure, to hide the grief.

emotions

Happy new year. woohoo *sarcasm* just another year. Nothing so bloody special about that really. Time has past as it always has, does, and forever will. I rang in the new year at club audio... it was.. a party. Not the best, but certainly better than last time. I got hugs from all the chicas I wanted to, which was nice. I dunno if I want to get into all the details of the evening right now, as I have a feeling it will get me depressed, and I don't really feel like getting into that emotion right now. I've been like that though, lately. All about focusing on and experiencing and expressing the emotion, regardless of what it is. That's a part of the reason why I've been so adamant about not using drugs lately. Though users tell of the good emotion and experiences they induce, it just doesn't seem right to me to induce an emotion like that. I kinda feel like emotions, good, bad, neither, need to be ridden out, experienced, expressed, vented, through natural means. Also the drug in question, seems to produce a great intensity of emotion and sensation. But that really doesn't seem right either. Sometimes, many times, it's about the subtleties. More is not always better, and thee is a great deal to be said about experiencing the beauty of a slight sensation, experiencing the everyday anew simply by focusing and looking at it from a new perspective. Also within, all of this I want to know what it is I'm feeling, something I would not be sure about with a chemically induced mental state. But enough about that, for another time I suppose. I'm only half into my writing right now. I'm somewhat forcing myself, which isn't really good, because when I do, what is delivered from my fingertips doesn't feel as genuine. But I write to get things out and to encourage more frequent writing. So I shall stop now, and await a better time, perhaps.