i only write when i feel bad

I'm actually posting! Gasp! Why? Cause I'm sort of feeling bad. Apparently that's the only real time I tend to post on this damn thing, which is kinda sad, but nobody reads it, so there's no one there to care. But then again I guess that's why I can feel so comfortable writing about such things. It's a way to get things out, kinda like a journal of some sort, except it's not on paper, cause paper kinda sucks, and I can't read my own handwriting half the time. Also it's kinda of a way for me to look back on what I was thinking at certain times. That and in a way it kinda makes up for when I used to talk to a certain somebody who I've kinda lost touch with [*cough* though I doubt she's reading] but I guess it's really my fault that I lost touch, I never really made any kind of effort, though neither did she. Oh well maybe in the near future I'll catch her online or something. Strange though, If I did, I wonder how it would go. I really haven't changed at all, at least not like I should have.

So what's buggin me today? I just finished reading the Video Girl AI manga, well at least the Ai part, there' still video girl Len to go. Reading\watching stuff like bothers me sometimes, because it reminds me of what I do not have, and that in many ways I'm not as mature as these characters portrayed as being many years younger than me. This time though it kinda set a fire on me to take control of my life. I was going to go out as soon as I got up tomorrow and get me a job so I could get me some money so I could get out of my parents basement and take control of my life. But that was a few hours ago. That fire was burning too much for me to simply go to sleep, I had to do something - something productive, something that would amount to more than relieving boredom. Thing is I couldn't come up with anything, which in turn kinda sent me on a downward slope a little bit. I'm kinda come out of it a bit now, sorta pushing it out of my mind by analyzing it, I just hope I can stay out of it long enough to go to sleep soon without curling up into a ball and trying to hide. Kinda funny. When I get depressed I start to feel a little agoraphobic I guess, well more like I just want hide from the world, and make it go away. I want to find my own little place where no one can find me, where nothing can hurt me. heh, when I was in Roanoke, that place used to be my closet. Tim complained that I didn't put all the stuff in front of my bed in my closet, and just pull it out when I wanted to go in there. But of course he didn't know, because if he knew I was in there, if anyone knew, it wouldn't be my safe little hiding spot anymore. Childish, isn't it? But in many ways I've never grown up, I'm still a child. And while I"m sitting here in my parent's basement, that isn't changing.

That's why I gotta get out of here. But of course I have to get money first, and to get that I need a job. Thing is I hate looking for jobs. I hate filling out form after form. I hate pimpin myself out like some $5 hoe to employers, I hate bullshit, and I hate trying to pretend that I'm someone I'm not.

Oh yeah. I noticed on the blogger page a little thing about what to do when you mom sees your blog. I'm not really concerned though. I really don't care if she knows, I really don't' care who knows what I'm writing here. Just as long as whoever is reading knows whether or not to blab to me or try to help me about it. I mean I don't hate my mom, I value her opinion and trust her, but most of these kind of things I just wouldn't feel comfortable talking about with her. When I think about it, I'd have an easier time talking to a complete stranger. Why? Because I care less what a complete stranger thinks about me, because in the end I could always just say to myself they really don't know what they're talking about, and just not talk to them again. Not that I would, but because it's an option, because I could simply just walk away from it, I can be a little less cautious, a little less nervous, I don't have to care what they think of me. Of course the other option is a friend I know I don't have to worry about, which I don't really have any of right now, because it requires that I be innately comfortable with this person, and then have a layer of trust on top of that, not to mention it has to be a girl, just cause I'm like that [though I suppose theoretically it could be a gay guy, though I don't really know many]

blarg. Now my sister walks up and complains about my music and I completely lose where I was. Oh well. I suppose now is as good a place to stop as any. heh, It's 5:30 now. I wonder what my chances are of getting something done tomorrow at this point...