3 suns

The chica on my mind right now is a girl I go to school with at ecpi by the name of Jeanine. She's rather cute, as I've thought since I first saw her, but it hasn't been until this past term that we really started talking to each other. My emotions toward her seem to generate a light warmth. Not insanely strong, probly a good thing at this point, just a gentle warmth, kinda like a smile or a hug. Again, this is one of those girls that I'd take anyway I could get her. Something more intimate would be nice, but if I can't have that, I'd like very much to be a good friend to her, which of course makes the situation a very delicate one. I mean it would be very hard to tell this girl how I feel anyway, but to do so in a manner so as to not make things awkward between us if they were not to go as desired? But so has it been with all the women I've admired most. And because of that, little of them those relationships amounted to much of anything. And she is very much a creature to be admired. She is very beautiful, she has a gorgeous smile, and her eyes, very gentle and inviting, while at the same time very strong and confident. They reflect her well. She seems to radiate it. She knows who she is, she knows what she wants, and she's going to get it, but at the same time, she is very sweet. hehe, and she wants top get her bachelor's in business administration. She'd make a great boss I'd think. She has the confidence, directive, and initiative to get the job done, and done well, yet the compassion to lead and direct with kindness. heh, now that I think about it, these three main chicas I've admired so, tiffany, Sara, and Jeanine, they are all like the sun. All three have very warm personalities, but tiffany has a very bright mind, Sara very bright eyes, and Jeanine a very bright confidence... so yeah, confidence is a little bit of a stretch but I couldn't think of an good word to describe it. Now if only I could have an intimate relationship with one of them, and a close friendship with the other two, I'd be the happiest man alive.

These women are my suns, reminders of the beauty of the human form and spirit, reminders of the possibilities. Reminders that beauty does exist and that happiness is possible.

It also seems that in these girls I have sought to be with them into order to fix some part of myself. They all have qualities I admire and wish I had myself. All very outgoing, much unlike myself. Tiffany with her intelligence and diligence. Sara with her bright personality and positive attitude. Jeanine with her confidence and self-identity.

It would seem that I'm looking to compliment myself, which brings me to another dilemma. Say I was successful in building an intimate relationship with Jeanine. What is it that I would bring the table? What good would I bring into her life? What reason would she have to keep me around? What would make me any better than some other guy? That, I'm still searching for. And I guess that's something I really need to discover before if I'm ever going to get the confidence to ask her out, or anyone for that matter. I suppose a great deal of my shy problem has to do with a lack of self-worth. I don't feel I really can make an effort to talk to people and get to know them because I don't feel I an worth talking to. And because I don't talk I've grown to the point where I've nothing to say. All problems I need to deal with if I'm ever to find happiness...