surreal

Thing is about living in your own head, going through the same shit day in day out, focusing on little things to hide the real issues from yourself.. things can get pretty surreal. There are times that I step outside and look at my life and think, "there is no way this can be reality, this has to be some kind of dream, I'm really someone else." Hell just thinking about thinking about it it is fucking with my head right now. Has all this escapism with tv, books, movies, and video games messed with my sense of reality? Or have I simply deluded myself to the point where reality doesn't feel real anymore. Maybe it's just the core of me so wants to be something else that I'm subconsciously waiting to wake up form a dream. I mean I know what's real, but I so muh don't want to believe it that I can't bring myself to accept that truth to the point where my knowledge of that fact seems shaky at best. At times like this I almost feel like I'm going insane... but if I clear my head of such thoughts, and go back to being the consumer drone focusing on what I want to buy and my part in the corporate machine, yaddda yadda yadda. Seriously though. If I focus on the little shit, like I always do, like everyone does I'm fine. But the moment I step outside tha comfort zone and really think about my life I get this really panicy feeling of not really know whether I'm asleep or awake - of what reality really is and if I'm currently experiencing it or not.

Maybe I need to see a shrink or something, and maybe he'll say it's some weird syndrome and give me a pill to make me stop thinking about it. Maybe what I need to do is just ship myself out to some Buddhist monastery for a few years, find some kind of control and understanding of my own consciousness. Not that I'm really a spiritual person, but I don't think medicine is really the answer to this kind of problem. I dunno. I've always really felt somewhat opposed to any kind of organized belief system, but I find myself leaning towards Buddhism here and there. I really need to study up on it a little bit. I guess I really want to believe that through training and a concerted effort I could find some kind of inner peace. But in a way it makes sense to me. Just because I beleive hard enough that god will take me to heaven after I die doesn't mean it will happen, but if I beleive god will give me courage, I give myself that courage. The power of self-delusion. So in a similar vein, maybe I can never prove or count on true enlightenment or ever reaching nirvana, but if in the process of trying to achieve such a thing, I find some degree of inner peace, then that in itself is it's own reward.